The first time I had my period 

The first time I had my period I thought that I was dying then immediately after I felt great shame because of the body part involved. My shame was greater than my fear of dying so I told nobody about it. I used handkerchiefs and socks as makeshift pads to soak up the blood then either disposed of these in the garbage or hid it under a shed we had in the yard. Eventually, I was found out but nothing was said to me about the process. I was just given some sanitary pads. The shame remained though.  

Why the Shame?

Misogynistic practices and beliefs in the Indo-Guyanese community are passed down from generation to generation dating back to when the ancestors came from India.

Video below from the: United Nations on Managing Menstrual Hygiene in India

The vagina is taboo 

The vagina was and still is not discussed like a normal topic. It is unmentionable, hidden, taboo, dirty…. that is how they see it and everything related to it. 

Nobody talked about menstruation but when I became a ‘young lady’ suddenly I was unwelcomed at their homes. It was as if the vagina was going to pollute their environment; I had become a dirty thing.  

Even girls do not talk about the vagina and related biological processes among themselves. It’s like they pretend that they don’t have vaginas or it’s like a decorative organ that one just washes and leaves alone. 

How they act and what they say

Sometimes, my female students would ask to use the washroom and divulge the extra bit of information about being on their period without me asking for this. Maybe, they believe that by telling me this I’d allow them to leave the class immediately and spend more time than usual in the washroom. Personally, I do not have an issue with students going to the washroom during my class so the justification is not needed but whenever they mention their period it’s always a whisper as if it’s something to be embarrassed about and they would look embarrassed.

Growing up, whenever I went to the shop in the village to buy pads the seller would wrap the pack of Stayfree with newspapers then place it in a black plastic bag although thin, light-coloured bags were used for other items. The pads because of their purpose were to be hidden. And even then, discussing the period and period-related issues such as cramps and heavy bleeding among girls my age was not something we did. I didn’t want others to know when I was having it and my friends didn’t tell me either. Although we all had vaginas we were all conditioned to view the vagina as something dirty and unmentionable.

And how do men and women feel about it? An unmentionable topic for most.

One day at my workplace I bought some polourie (fried flour mixed with split peas) from a vendor and when I attempted to eat one, it smelled ‘off’. Apparently the sour had spoilt so I informed the DHM because students could get sick from buying the same thing and I wanted him to check out the item himself. Later, when I asked him about it he said that the sour had indeed spoilt but it was probably because a woman who was having her period made the sour or handled it!

Another time, I was having a conversation with a pathologist about the autopsy process and I made a comment about menstruation. Immediately, he screwed up his face as if I’d just said something nasty, put down what he was eating and told me to change the topic. Imagine we were having a long conversation about dead people while we were eating fried fish and other stuff and the moment I mentioned menstruation in dead females he found the topic too dirty to be discussed but talking about decomposition etc., wasn’t!

And when I was growing up nobody never discussed menstruation with me. I learnt about it and the female anatomy during my biology class in Grade 10. At the time, I didn’t own a computer, there was none in the home and we had no access to the internet. Those were the days when I actually had to visit the library to read outdated books for information to complete assignments.

In the Indo-Guyanese community 

Many Indo-Guyanese girls are conditioned from a very young age to view their vaginas as dirty and shameful. The Indo-Guyanese patriarchal culture and concrete gender roles and norms significantly contribute to how the brown female is viewed and raised but what about the personal development of the individual? How does brainwashing girls to hate their vaginas help them or improve their lives? It doesn’t, it only helps to promote patriarchal values and maintain control over girls and women. 

I believe that because brown women are not seen as individuals with their own needs, dreams, rights and desire to achieve personal growth and development, the way they are raised has more to do with the needs of others than their own needs. By conditioning brown girls to view themselves as dirty and inferior due to having vaginas between their legs the status quo is maintained and having control and power over them remain. 

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Many persons genuinely believe that they were born in the wrong bodies or because of their sexual orientation they may feel more comfortable identifying or transitioning to the other gender/sex. However, for others due to gender norms and expectations, the ‘benefits’ that come with being male far outweigh that of being female.  

Since my early childhood, I realised that I live in an environment where not only are people obsessed with the vagina but it is used as the primary excuse to oppress women and girls. 

The vagina defines the female 

I’ve been labelled all my life and grew up seeing girls and women being labelled by how ‘morally clean’ they were perceived to be. A good girl was one without interest in the opposite sex or socialising with peers; being housebound, antisocial and asexual were seen as ideal.  

Because of the vagina females are limited 

As an Indo-Guyanese female, I was born restricted and countless brown females are subjected to the same restrictions because they were ‘unfortunate’ to be born with vaginas. The patriarchal culture, traditional gender roles and norms are to be blamed but of course, the way females are treated differs from family to family and their experiences vary. 

Growing up, I spent most of my free time in my room reading or in front of the television. As a ‘girl child’ I was not allowed the same level of freedom my brothers had. For instance, I had to ask in advance to go to the library and if given permission my brother(s) had to accompany me. Another time I sulked for weeks because I wasn’t allowed to go on a camping activity which was organised by the church. And extra-curricular activities were non-existent, the high school offered nothing apart from 1 hour of PE (Physical Education) per week in Grades 7-9 that was basically doing a few jumping jacks and ‘bend and touch your toes’. I was interested in learning Indian classical dance but going to dance classes was beyond the ‘freedom’ I was allowed. 

Social interactions were limited; of course, talking to boys was frowned upon and even interactions between girls, with most little girls including myself, deemed ‘’whoring’ or ‘too wild’ for their daughters to play with by the ‘protective’ adults, particularly women. The ‘wise’ adults believed that a good girl was one who spent the majority of her time in the home learning to cook and clean; only leaving this haven for school or to visit a place of worship.  

Females are vilified because of the vagina 

Is a male ever called a whore or have his self-worth directly linked to how promiscuous he is perceived to be with being a virgin/asexual seen as ideal? While the penis is viewed as ‘clean’ and males glorified or called studs for being virile females on the other hand are conditioned to view their vaginas are inherently dirty and taboo; and are forced to suppress their sexuality. Countless brown girls are conditioned to believe that their worth, acceptance in society and ‘goodness’ are linked to their virginity or lack thereof. And if they’ve had one too many boyfriends or are perceived to be ‘loose’ girls or women they’re automatically supposed to feel guilty as if carrying a mountain of miasma on their backs and ‘know’ that they’re not marriage material.

Better to be a brown male? 

For most people not saddled with the intricacies of human biology and psychology, the difference between a male and a female is the presence of a vagina or penis and this determines one’s faith from birth. In patriarchal societies, gender roles and norms along with level of freedom allowed are set in stone. Many brown females live a life of restrictions both physically and intellectually just because they were ‘unfortunately’ born with vaginas.

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Sons are preferred

I can vividly recall a woman (with an only son), who lived in the same street, complimenting my mother for having two ‘good’ sons in my presence. I was a small child and wondered at the time why I wasn’t good. Now the same woman has two granddaughters only. I wonder how she feels about them. Another time, an elderly female relative of my mother made a similar remark in the presence of my brothers and her own daughter. She made me feel very uncomfortable but most likely that was her aim. It’s like women are trained to hate their own gender and they become so brainwashed that as adults they actively pass down this hatred to the young female generation.  

The ancestors of Indo-Guyanese brought many traditions and beliefs with them from India and these were passed down. Although, people are more open-minded now than these 19th century immigrants some beliefs regarding the girl child still remain archaic and misogynistic although there has been ‘cultural modernisation’. We don’t have a caste system and I have never heard of women being abused because of an inadequate dowry or even expected to give one.    

However, what remains in the minds of many is the perception that females are inferior to males, somewhat dirty and should have their sexuality controlled which extends to physical and mental control as well. The objective being not to ‘shame’ the family or be labelled by others as anything other than a ‘good girl’. Ultimately, females are raised to have good reputations which translate to being virginal, obedient, naïve, good at cooking and cleaning; and content to be housebound or have one’s physical freedom monitored. Apparently, these qualities are most desired in a bride, which is felt should be the main goal of women. 

The perception that girls are inferior to boys or a burden has resulted in millions of sex-selective abortions in India which has caused a host of socials ills in parts where it is most pronounced due to a skewed gender ratio. In Guyana, thankfully people generally do not engage in sex selective abortions. The problem here though is the lack of research and information on Guyanese society; google searches and even request for data from the relevant public institutions would result in nothing of relevance or value.   

Although, girls are not being aborted because of their gender many traditional views and beliefs are still ingrained in the society regardless of education level. Quite a few times at my previous workplace – where I worked for almost a decade – I heard women express such strong desires for male children as if getting a girl would result in disappointment. Some even made comments to suggest that girls would be an additional stress or ‘headache’, too much to worry about and the possibility of shaming the family.   

(CNN video)

Women shaming women 

By the time girls become teenagers they adopt the views the adults have regarding women and not surprisingly many would openly condemn girls and women whose behaviour they deem immoral. 

Although girls are not as prized as boys they are very strictly controlled. While boys are able to express opinions, go out with friends and have relationships with the opposite sex, many brown girls do not have these privileges or they attract negative labels when they do these things. I have faced verbal abuse for my writings, got labels such as slut and whore for having (perceived) relationships with the opposite sex and growing up I had such an isolated upbringing that I find it difficult to relate to people and prefer my own company. I have been most affected by my lack of social skills when in group situations where I would be labelled as haughty or the spoil sport but the fact is, I feel claustrophobic when squeezed in among lots of people and I never know what to say or how to act. 

People continue to define women based on their sexuality and morality. I have heard women condemn other women because they see them as being inherently immoral. It happens in the workplace, school, family and society. For example, it is common knowledge that in the private business environment quite often male bosses would sexually exploit their female employees. 

I know of a particular married man with adult children and grandchildren who always hires young women, some teenagers, to work for him in his little office (one-man service business). Once, I saw him engaged in behaviour of a sexual nature with his young employee and persons who know him would remark that he ‘sleeps with all his girls’. I mentioned his conduct to a lady who condemned his business ethics. Instead of showing empathy she instantly said that the girls like what he is doing and ‘look for that’. This lady claimed to be a part of several religious organisations and national boards yet couldn’t offer a kind word for poor young women being taken advantage of by an old, cunning, sick predator who is also prominent in many religious organisations. 

Guyana is a third-world country where young people even with excellent CSEC grades find it very difficult to get a job and even when they land one (in the private sector) their salary would most often be less than $60,000 (300 USD) per month plus if it’s a young attractive female then the risk of sexual exploitation is very high and accepted as the norm in society. 

Women blamed for being abused

Whatever the situation men and women still blame females even when they are the victims. It’s like women are always jezebels; tempting and seducing men to do bad things to them. I recall a university-educated friend who once pointed out a pretty young woman on the street. She told me that the woman worked with her at a part-time job and one day she was brutally beaten by her husband – who she is still with – in front of everyone because she was having an affair with a man. I told her the husband had no right to beat the woman regardless of what she supposedly did but my friend remained firm in her belief that the lady deserved the beating. 

Another time, a female relative was telling me about a girl we both know who was raped. During the conversation she questioned the clothing choice of the victim and the reason for her being out at night at the place where she was raped as if she caused it upon herself. Even children do not escape the labels and are blamed. 

In Guyana, you would find a lot of middle-aged and elderly men ‘hustling’ teenagers and young women. During my high school days students and teachers both knew of school girls who were having relationships with bus drivers and conductors. These predators preyed on these little girls and instead of exposing the paedophiles, the adults and children (who couldn’t be blamed for the environment raised in) would actually dismiss such inappropriate relationships and blame the school girls for being ‘hot’, ‘wild’ and ‘bad’. 

Although, I am not a social butterfly or have many close friends, countless times I have read (social media comments), observed and heard persons especially women blaming the sexuality and perceived immorality of other women and girls for whatever difficulties they face. 

The fact remains that from the time girls are toddlers they are socialised to hate their bodies and view themselves as inferior to boys and men. Why are men and boys not seen as dirty or bad for having penises? Why isn’t the sexuality of the male controlled and blamed for whatever befalls him? Why are men seen as superior yet many are not taught and do not know how to cook for themselves and take care of their surroundings; these superior beings ‘depend’ on women to cook and clean for them.  

Due to conditioning many women grow up to hate and condemn other women. In a number of conservative societies women are used to police other women and girls. Women cannot achieve equality and love themselves if in the first place they are ashamed of being women and limit themselves from actually living because they have vaginas and worry about what others will say or allow others to control their bodies.  

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We are sexual creatures and reproduction in humans is sexual, not asexual but sex and all things deemed sexual are covered in shame and guilt. Dirty, unmentionable and guilt-inducing are some of the adjectives that come to mind when I think about sex. I, like many other brown women, was conditioned from birth to feel this way.  

Recently, I had a conversation with a man I hadn’t spoken to in over a decade. And yes, I admit that I do speak to males; something which I was forced to feel guilty about as if it were a crime. 

For most of the conversation, I was in the irritating position of having to defend myself for being a single, child-free woman! And at this stage of life, I’m forced to do this quite often in my interactions with people who in the first place, have no right to ask and even worse, demand an explanation. Not only is this state of affairs a departure from the norm, but it reminds me of the fact that I’ve never been able to understand the way people think… 

Raising the female 

My entire life, I’ve been surrounded by people who do not know how to have normal conversations on so-called taboo but essential topics. Not only is the word sex ‘banned’ or coated in shame but other words like penis, vagina and menstruation are unmentionable. And apparently, everything leads to that great evil called sex. 

Instead of discussions on how to interact with both males and females, developing social skills, biological processes, etc., the adults mentally scarred and traumatised.  

In fact, it’s all about control; viewing women as property and controlling the female sexuality from birth until death. And since women are seen as the property of relatives, no thought is given to the mental trauma inflicted and the rights of women to own their sexuality and bodies. 

No need for social skills 

Growing up, when I wasn’t at school, my time was spent at home. School was purely academic, there weren’t any sort of extracurricular activities. 

I couldn’t talk to boys and if I did meet any and wanted to have a friendship, he had to ask a girl to speak to my parents when he called for me. In those days the landline phone was the only option and I hardly had any interest in the opposite sex so this process was rare. Even my interactions with girls were restricted; apparently, most were ‘bad company’ and were going to lead me astray. Most of my free time was spent in my room reading or studying and I became somewhat of a loner.  

The problem is that in the real world: university life, work and relationships, social skills are needed. However, many brown women are not raised for independent lives but lives where they are completely controlled by relatives and then passed on to husbands who see them as property. I personally know women who spend their entire lives in the house and have to seek permission from their husbands if they want to go out.  

My upbringing was viewed as normal; others exerted the same level of control over the females in the family. 

Enforcing ‘good morals’ 

I remember clearly the craziness people have said and done to me because even as a child I questioned everything and realized people hardly cared about whether their utterances made sense.  

For instance, when I was 12, one of my father’s female relatives who lived in the same village told others that she saw me f**king her neighbour’s son. In fact, the boy’s mother and I attended the same church and she’d invited me over for lunch with the entire family. Honestly speaking, no f**king took place! 

It’s like women can’t help themselves with it comes to humiliating and putting down others. Even ISIS used mainly women to enforce Sharia law and police other women and girls. 

The same woman would always ‘keep her eyes on me’ every time I rode my bicycle. Soon after, the bicycle days were over. The ‘policing’ extended well into my 20s. I recall a female relative accusing me of going to New York to ‘look for men’ after she saw me talking to an older teen from the neighbourhood who wanted to know if I’d moved in. I was 28, and the relative was in the US for close to 30 years yet her views on women hadn’t changed. Before this episode, I’d only met her once but over the years her presence was felt. I never got a good word or congratulatory message from her when I did well academically, the only things she wanted to know from other relatives were whether I was seen with men, going to ‘parties’ or up to other things deemed ‘whorish/slutty’ behaviour. Maybe it was to comfort herself that her daughter was better than me.  

When boys weren’t around the restrictions extended to girls. I recall spending time as a child at one of my mother’s relatives and feeling lonely because my cousins were much younger. There was a girl about my age a few doors down whom I befriended. After a few times chatting with her she became a banned item. Apparently, this little girl was too wild and was going to lead me astray. Then at home, the little girls in the neighbourhood were also deemed too ‘wild/whorish’ for me to play with! I think when adults have no interest of their own/hobbies they become obsessed with controlling others and disregard the impact of their actions. 

The stories are too much but the attitudes toward girls and women and the obsessive need to suppress the female sexuality are the same, prevalent and extend to all facets of society. Just recently, during a conversation with an old high school teacher he mentioned that I was considered a troubled student and asked me if I’d told a teacher during those ‘troubled days’ that I had a boyfriend! He made it sound like I’d admitted to a crime. I couldn’t recall saying that but more importantly, I was a teenager and my ‘troubles’ were due to being bullied; if I had a boyfriend or not it was irrelevant. 

Dirty sex and sexuality 

Why am I angry at having to defend myself for being a child-free, single woman? 

Firstly, for most of my life, people made me feel abnormal for the most normal things.  From having my attraction to the opposite sex deemed ‘slutty’ and uncharacteristic of a ‘good female’ I am now expected to hastily form a relationship with a man and spent the rest of my life with him! How does something which was seen as unacceptable for decades suddenly become acceptable? From having the virtues of asexuality and isolation drilled into me I am now regarded as ‘weird’ for being single. 

Growing up, sex was never discussed. Not even sex education in high school. In fact, it was viewed as something that isn’t talked about and even now as a woman in my 30s the female sexuality and sex are not openly discussed among friends. I recall an older woman telling me that after being married for over 30 years she can count the number of times she had sex with her husband on one hand. She said it in such a boastful manner as if this fact made her better than other women. Women get married and still pretend to be virgins as if sex makes them dirty or they see it as a necessary evil. 

As a teenager, the menstrual cycle was not even discussed with me and on one occasion an adult tried to have ‘the talk’. The few lines seared my mind because it was so traumatic. I was told the story of a man who sent his daughter to college. She became pregnant so he strapped a bomb to his chest, visited her and detonated it killing her and himself. I don’t know if it was a true story or told to scare me but from that time even if I got food poisoned or felt upset due to illness and wanted to vomit I did it in secret. 

After decades of being conditioned to view sex as something dirty women are then expected to suddenly develop amnesia and spend most of their lives having sex with a man. How does that make sense? At that point, many brown women see it as something purely for the reproductive process and not something that is normal and should be enjoyed by them. 

The obsessive need to control women’s bodies 

In the end, it is all about control, viewing women as property and a necessary accessory for men. In the patriarchal culture I was born in a timid, virginal woman who knows to clean and cook well is highly desired. You need to have a good reputation in terms of morals to get a man. So, girls are raised with that in mind. Guarded by relatives and then passed on to a man who then controls the woman’s entire life. Many girls of Indian descent are not raised to lead independent lives, have good social skills, be self-assured or worst of all date men. Why should the female sexuality be suppressed? Why should women feel dirty about their bodies? Why should others deny women their right to sexual liberation? 

So, what if I am single? 

I realised that I am the only person who can make myself happy. I am a complete individual. Whether I choose to remain single and child-free; be married and have children or be unmarried and still have children would not make me better or worse than other women. Thankfully, I live in a modern age and as an adult can choose my path without being persecuted or prosecuted. I don’t have to be like so many women of Indian descent where the path is already laid out from birth.  

What people need to do is stop controlling women’s bodies and minds. Instead of oppressing females from birth, adults need to nurture and prepare them for the real world by having normal conversations on those unmentionable topics and encourage the learning of life skills. I believe that in a perfect world, they should be prosecuted for the lifelong damage both mentally and physically that has been inflicted on women, preventing them from owning their bodies, sexuality and destiny.  

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The world is filled with beauty and diversity yet many women are not free to travel on their own to experience different cultures and countries. For them ‘independence’ is out of reach and their lives are controlled by relatives. Often men are the ones who place restrictions on women yet they will never allow themselves to be controlled. How can people say that women have equality when they don’t have freedom?

I have never understood this and as a female I have been subjected to the same restrictions; in the end it is all about control although people tend to label this as ‘love’. The problem is that women are never asked whether they want this sort of ‘love’ or they want freedom. Instead control is imposed and screws tightened yet men have never and will never subject themselves to this ‘love’.

Recently, I read the story of the Saudi teen who fled from her family and sought refuge in Canada. She has lambasted male guardianship of Saudi women. In this era women are still not autonomous and the examples are in the millions. Although, not in physical chains they are held down and mentally caged by backward beliefs imposed upon them.

I recall seeing the documentary, India’s Daughter about the woman who was viciously gang raped. She was blamed for her death, for being out at night. Women are often blamed for whatever happens to them because they are expected to be controlled from birth by parents and relatives, then ultimately by spouses until death.

Many medieval practices are still imposed on women without consideration for their well-being. In some places women are isolated in unhygienic surroundings during their menstrual cycle, fighting for the right to equal access, pleading to end female infanticide and other scourges.

Regardless of the severity, conditioning starts from infancy. In my case, I never understood why I had to hide myself in the house and couldn’t get the same freedom to play with and visit friends like my brothers.  It was drilled into me by the adults that wanting to socialize especially in situations where I would come in contact with the opposite sex was something bad and if someone whom I knew saw me in such situations I instantly felt guilty. There was a long line of brainwashers and watchers ready to fill my head with filth and report my ‘misdeeds’ to my father. These ranged from relatives to neighbours and villagers.

I was even once accused by an aunt of coming here to look for men while on vacation in New York and I was about 28 then!  I was standing on her lawn observing the neighbourhood when an older teen (from appearance) curiously asked me if I had moved in. I said ‘no’ and not much was asked after but my aunt was observing this little interaction from the window and on entering her house accusations were thrown in such a tone that an observer might have assumed I had been caught in a criminal act! This was just one in a long series of incidents from since childhood which made me conscious of gender limitations and feeling oppressed by numerous irrational and illogical beliefs being imposed upon me due to my sex.

Lo and behold as humans we are a social species and everything in the society is geared towards socialization. Also, sex is a biological and reproductive need and in the end women are expected to find mates (in most cases this would be a man) where communication and sexual activity would feature prominently.

I believe that many people see women as just being the maids and reproductive vessels for men so they are caged because men don’t want other men ‘interfering’ with what they consider to be their property (but they are allowed to be studs) and by allowing women to have social lives and freedom they might not be so subservient and timid. And they might actually realize that there is more to life than just hiding in one’s house trying to be ‘good enough’ to be selected as the wife of someone.

For many brown women life is all about proving to a bunch of brainwashers that they are being morally good by not socializing, dressing in the approved manner and devoid of the need to be an individual.

Would women ever be seen as persons and not property? Would women ever be seen as wonderful creations with independent minds and the need to be developed in all ways? In some societies this has been achieved to an extent but others are still decades behind. Maybe, things will improve but it would require tremendous change in how women are perceived.

The post The State of Women: Chasing Freedom appeared first on Life in Guyana.

Silence is a powerful weapon that controls and oppresses. Silence is also often taken as consent. Consent to being abused, consent to being treated like a second-class person and consent to be seen and not heard because it is perceived that the person is without original thought or unable to formulate an opinion.

I am blogging for me. I am writing to teach myself to be assertive in person. I am writing to get my thoughts out rather than have it curled up inside reverberating violently because since childhood I have been imposed upon with illogical, irrational, unjustifiable and incompatible beliefs and expectations by the culture, society and country I was born in.

Culture & Society

Growing up I was often asked by women whether I knew to cook and do ‘good’ housework rather than be asked what my aspirations and opinions were as if my worth as a female lies with my domestic skills. I was expected to be a good girl meaning, hidden, silent, timid, obedient, willing to be dictated to without voicing an opinion and subjecting myself to control because being female control is necessary.

Living in a patriarchal culture I rarely heard women, looking like me, voicing an opinion and I was never asked my thoughts on anything of substance such as local and international issues.

Abuse especially, domestic violence is endemic in our society and I believe silence plays a major role in why it is so pervasive, accepted and has violated so many lives. If no one speaks then they have consented. If a problem is not seen as a problem then it is not a problem! If children were brought up in a home where they were exposed to domestic violence that was not condemned then they in turn will view it as normal and there is a high probability that they will become abusers or allow abuse upon themselves.

Most women I know were abused. Once I was privy to a very enlightening conversation on abuse and silence. Some women were saying how good another was because she never complained when she was abused by her husband but kept it to herself and always stood by her man. She was seen as a role model, an ideal. Her silence elevated her.

Silence, shame and sex crimes are never without each other. Due to the conditioning of females, sex is seen as dirty therefore anything involving the vagina is shameful including sex crimes so what follows is silence and of course, the cycle is repeated over and over again and the perverted are empowered to continue.

I have experienced a lot of verbal, emotional and psychological abuse. I was brainwashed to accept abuse and many people will disagree with me because they don’t even know what abuse is. Humiliation both private and public is abuse, degrading and shaming is abuse, making me feel like an inferior person because of my gender is abuse.  I have spoken up on a few occasions and this severed relationships with people who viewed me as rude for defending myself against abuse but I was glad because I am happier…

Socially

I am a loner and enjoy the freedom both mentally and physically that comes from being totally in control of myself. However, it is nice to have company and share things with. Several times a friend of mine invited me to join her and her friends. After a few occasions, she made it a point to tell me to agree with her male friends when they discussed anything, not to state my own thoughts and especially not to disagree with them. My role and hers were to be arm candy/cheerleaders, to smile, massage egos and be agreeable. I was even told that I am a white woman trapped in a brown body since they believe that only white women speak up, are opinionated and assertive. A few times I have gotten myself into verbal fights that were mentally draining with both men and women because they expected a silent, shy sheep based on my appearance.

At work

I have been verbally abused at work. I have endured tirades from power-hungry ‘small people’. I realised that although I am bold and brave through writing I am the opposite in person. So my blog is really for me, I am breaking my silence to teach myself to also be bold, brave and assertive in person and not tremble to speak up or be intimidated.

Our workplace is like a pigsty, with very poor conditions. One day I turned up to see my one and only chair and desk being put to other uses and with no alternative seating accommodation. This happened before. I was affected as well as some colleagues. Where was I supposed to sit? To voice my displeasure, I placed a cardboard on the floor and sat there for a few minutes. This caused a ripple.

Firstly, my colleagues, including the affected ones were so afraid to show solidarity with my one-woman ‘protest’ that they refused to even take a photo for me of the act. They didn’t want to show any form of defiance or be seen in agreement with my show of expression. If I didn’t ‘protest’ how were those in charge supposed to know that I was displeased?

Secondly, I was informed to report immediately to upper management to be dealt with. The constitution guarantees me freedom of expression, I stated this.

On another occasion, some of us were not paid. The excuse for me was not updating my insurance information although I received no notice of this and had an insurance card. Besides, if I worked then I must be paid. I was told that I had to wait at least 3 months to get paid and it was impossible for this to happen the next month.  After writing a public letter, the impossible became possible and no excuse for the incident was offered by those decision makers! Imagine, one of my colleagues in the same situation who benefitted from my letter-writing told me that she did not believe in ‘fighting fire with fire’. Apparently, I was supposed to remain silent and just go with the flow.

There is an incredibly, sickening level of passivity and sheepishness in every aspect of society and it is passed down like some sort of gift to future generations. I have never been able to have civilised discussions with people. Every ‘talk’ is seen as defiance, rudeness, disrespect, etc., and then the ‘talk’ becomes an argument or ‘cuss out’ depending on the situation.

Country

People are afraid to speak, people are afraid to express an opinion and people are afraid to state an opposing or unpopular view. Many hide with anonymity when expressing themselves. I also did this on some occasions. I am slowly learning to not be afraid. I have put my name on this blog because why should I be ashamed of my opinions which are an extension of myself?  Why should I continue to allow people to impose beliefs and norms upon me which I loathe? Why should I continue to be silent and passive in my country when I am faced with things I disagree with?

Regardless of the situation, I believe people have the right to expression. Nobody should take that away. Nobody should be forced into silence.

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