By 
Sex is normal, natural and biological yet discussions on it including female sexuality, reproductive organs and processes are taboo. If women weren’t attracted to men and men to women where would the human species be? Probably extinct some thousands of years ago yet people continue to suppress the female sexuality.
We are sexual creatures and reproduction in humans is sexual, not asexual but sex and all things deemed sexual are covered in shame and guilt. Dirty, unmentionable and guilt-inducing are some of the adjectives that come to mind when I think of sex. I like many other brown women were conditioned from birth to feel this way.
Recently, I had a conversation with a man I hadn’t spoken to in over a decade. And yes, I admit that I do speak to males; something which I was forced to feel guilty about as if it were a crime.
For most of the conversation, I was in the irritating position of having to defend myself for being a single, child-free woman! And at this stage of life, I’m forced to do this quite often in my interactions with people who in the first place have no right to ask and even worse, demand an explanation. Not only is this state of affairs a departure from the norm but reminds me of the fact that I’ve never been able to understand the way people think…
Raising the female
My entire life I have been surrounded by people who do not know how to have normal conversations on so-called taboo but essential topics. Not only is the word sex ‘banned’ or coated in shame but other words like penis, vagina and menstruation are unmentionable. And apparently, everything leads to that great evil called sex.
Instead of discussions on how to interact with both males and females, developing social skills, biological processes, etc., the adults mentally scarred and traumatised.
In fact, it is all about control; viewing women as property and controlling the female sexuality from birth until death. And since women are seen as the property of relatives no thought is given to the mental trauma inflicted and the rights of women to own their sexuality and bodies.
No need for social skills
Growing up, when I wasn’t at school my time was spent in the home. School was purely academics, there wasn’t any sort of extracurricular activities.
I couldn’t talk to boys and if I did meet any and wanted to have a friendship then he had to ask a girl to speak to my parents when he called for me. In those days the landline phone was the only option and I hardly had any interest in the opposite sex so this process was rare. Even my interactions with girls were restricted; apparently, most were ‘bad company’ and were going to lead me astray. Most of my free time was spent in my room reading or studying and I became somewhat of a loner.
The problem is that in the real world: university life, work and relationships, social skills are needed. However, many brown women are not raised for independent lives but lives where they are completely controlled by relatives and then passed on to husbands who see them as property. I personally know women who spend their entire lives in the house and have to seek permission from their husbands if they want to go out.
My upbringing was viewed as normal; others exerted the same level of control over the females in the family.
Enforcing ‘good morals’
I remember clearly the craziness people have said and done to me because even as a child I questioned everything and realized people hardly cared about whether their utterances made sense.
For instance, when I was 12, one of my father’s female relatives who lived in the same village told others that she saw me f**king her neighbour’s son. In fact, the boy’s mother and I attended the same church and she’d invited me over for lunch with the entire family. Honestly speaking, no f**king took place!
It’s like women can’t help themselves with it comes to humiliating and putting down others. Even ISIS used mainly women to enforce Sharia law and police other women and girls.
The same woman would always ‘keep her eyes on me’ every time I rode my bicycle. Soon after, the bicycle days were over. The ‘policing’ extended well into my 20s. I recall a female relative accusing me of going to New York to ‘look for men’ after she saw me talking to an older teen from the neighbourhood who wanted to know if I’d moved in. I was 28, and the relative was in the US for close to 30 years yet her views on women hadn’t changed. Before this episode, I’d only met her once but over the years her presence was felt. I never got a good word or congratulatory message from her when I did well academically, the only things she wanted to know from other relatives were whether I was seen with men, going to ‘parties’ or up to other things deemed ‘whorish/slutty’ behaviour. Maybe it was to comfort herself that her daughter was better than me.
When boys weren’t around the restrictions extended to girls. I recall spending time as a child at one of my mother’s relatives and feeling lonely because my cousins were much younger. There was a girl about my age a few doors down whom I befriended. After a few times chatting with her she became a banned item. Apparently, this little girl was too wild and was going to lead me astray. Then at home, the little girls in the neighbourhood were also deemed too ‘wild/whorish’ for me to play with! I think when adults have no interest of their own/hobbies they become obsessed with controlling others and disregard the impact of their actions.
The stories are too much but the attitudes toward girls and women and the obsessive need to suppress the female sexuality are the same, prevalent and extend to all facets of society. Just recently, during a conversation with an old high school teacher he mentioned that I was considered a troubled student and asked me if I’d told a teacher during those ‘troubled days’ that I had a boyfriend! He made it sound like I’d admitted to a crime. I couldn’t recall saying that but more importantly, I was a teenager and my ‘troubles’ were due to being bullied; if I had a boyfriend or not it was irrelevant.
Dirty sex and sexuality
Why am I angry at having to defend myself for being a child-free, single woman?
Firstly, for most of my life, people made me feel abnormal for the most normal things. From having my attraction to the opposite sex deemed ‘slutty’ and uncharacteristic of a ‘good female’ I am now expected to hastily form a relationship with a man and spent the rest of my life with him! How does something which was seen as unacceptable for decades suddenly become acceptable? From having the virtues of asexuality and isolation drilled into me I am now regarded as ‘weird’ for being single.
Growing up, sex was never discussed. Not even sex education in high school. In fact, it was viewed as something that isn’t talked about and even now as a woman in my 30s the female sexuality and sex are not openly discussed among friends. I recall an older woman telling me that after being married for over 30 years she can count the number of times she had sex with her husband on one hand. She said it in such a boastful manner as if this fact made her better than other women. Women get married and still pretend to be virgins as if sex makes them dirty or they see it as a necessary evil.
As a teenager, the menstrual cycle was not even discussed with me and on one occasion an adult tried to have ‘the talk’. The few lines seared my mind because it was so traumatic. I was told the story of a man who sent his daughter to college. She became pregnant so he strapped a bomb to his chest, visited her and detonated it killing her and himself. I don’t know if it was a true story or told to scare me but from that time even if I got food poisoned or felt upset due to illness and wanted to vomit I did it in secret.
After decades of being conditioned to view sex as something dirty women are then expected to suddenly develop amnesia and spend most of their lives having sex with a man. How does that make sense? At that point, many brown women see it as something purely for the reproductive process and not something that is normal and should be enjoyed by them.
The obsessive need to control women’s bodies
In the end, it is all about control, viewing women as property and a necessary accessory for men. In the patriarchal culture I was born in a timid, virginal woman who knows to clean and cook well is highly desired. You need to have a good reputation in terms of morals to get a man. So, girls are raised with that in mind. Guarded by relatives and then passed on to a man who then controls the woman’s entire life. Many girls of Indian descent are not raised to lead independent lives, have good social skills, be self-assured or worst of all date men. Why should the female sexuality be suppressed? Why should women feel dirty about their bodies? Why should others deny women their right to sexual liberation?
So, what if I am single?
I realised that I am the only person who can make myself happy. I am a complete individual. Whether I choose to remain single and child-free; be married and have children or be unmarried and still have children would not make me better or worse than other women. Thankfully, I live in a modern age and as an adult can choose my path without being persecuted or prosecuted. I don’t have to be like so many women of Indian descent where the path is already laid out from birth.
What people need to do is stop controlling women’s bodies and minds. Instead of oppressing females from birth, adults need to nurture and prepare them for the real world by having normal conversations on those unmentionable topics and encourage the learning of life skills. I personally believe that in a perfect world they should be prosecuted for the live-long damage both mentally and physically that have been inflicted on women preventing them from owning their bodies, sexuality and destiny.
