However, there are broad categorisations, expectations and prejudices based on simply what one is. For example, boys and girls are treated differently although biological sex is something the individual had no say in deciding. One is simply born that way and because of this attribute one is treated differently.  

Who I am, I decide. I haven’t fully embraced how others expect me to think and behave. If I did, I would have never rebelled. I would have accepted my fate and be an invisible person who simply lives and then fades. I am who I am because I chose not to accept this fate. However, I am still severely affected, traumatised and directed by the conditioning, culture and community. I have never been free, and I will never be free, this is a fact. My mind and body have been chained from the moment I entered the world as an Indo-Guyanese female and I will one day die still imprisoned but hopefully there will be less chains, but I know I will still be chained.  

Am I Indo-Guyanese though? I don’t feel that way. Am I Indian? I have brown skin and straight hair but if I go to India right now, I know that I’ll feel like an outsider. I am not what is expected. On top of that I’ve never fitted in, in the Indian community here so imagine what it would be like there. 

Am I Guyanese? To say that I am Guyanese implies that I am treated equally like other Guyanese. To say that I am Guyanese implies that I live in an egalitarian society. This is far from the truth. Racism and classism prevail in this developing, multi-ethnic country and is encouraged by a lack of accountability, fairness and transparency. 

What am I really? How do others see and treat me? What experiences have I had and how have I been shaped by that? It sounds self-indulgent and self-pitiful, but I need to answer that for myself. Accepting what I am gives me some amount of freedom. I can understand why I’ve had certain experiences and why I’ve never really fitted in. 

I am a Nobody-Coolie Woman; this is what I am 

I am not ashamed to embrace my identity. In fact, there is power and freedom in accepting what one is.  

A Nobody 

In Guyana, nobodies have to go through loops for the simplest things but that is how it is. For instance, to just get my neighbour to stop burning the garbage from his bar I had to visit various places including the NDC, RDC, Ministry and EPA. It was a battle that lasted for many years, but my health was affected. Eventually, through media exposure I got some relief. This is how the system works; there is classism, corruption and one has to know someone in` high office in order to get people to do the jobs they are paid to do. I wrote about my ordeal and a newspaper covered it: (https://lifeingy.com/air-pollution-indifference-and-corruption/ and https://www.stabroeknews.com/2015/12/02/news/guyana/lusignan-resident-seeking-relief-neighbours-fireside-fumes/).

Calling or visiting the police station when in need? Forget about it. A few encounters would provide enough substance to write a book. Nobody ever picks up when one calls the station and visiting them is pure stress. For instance, during the time I was battling my neighbour over his illegal burning I went to the police station to complain. Apart from being treated as if my complaint was trivial and being told that they had no vehicles to visit the location, they asked me for money to buy lunch! Funny and sad at the same time because if someone doesn’t have any money to give them would they deal with that person’s issue nevertheless? 

And when it comes to justice one can’t even find a half-decent lawyer who doesn’t have personal prejudices. You won’t find activist lawyers, there is no such thing as doing pro bono work and being a lawyer for most is about personal gains and not the passion for justice and fairness for all. Even if one can afford to pay a lawyer getting them to take the case is another hurdle. The ones I met have turned me off. It’s like one is not worthy enough to be their client. And because corrupt and powerful people know how lawyers operate and the justice system works, they are empowered to abuse and discriminate against others without facing consequences. For instance, I can’t even get legal representation although I have a strong case and can afford a lawyer (https://www.stabroeknews.com/2025/09/12/opinion/letters/am-yet-to-find-a-lawyer-who-is-willing-to-take-my-case/).

A Coolie 

There is no shame in being a Coolie. I don’t see it as a negative, I see it as the stark reality of life in Guyana. In multi-ethnic Guyana, there is blatant racism everywhere particularly between the two largest ethnic groups, Afro-Guyanese and Indo-Guyanese.  

Due to my ethnicity, I have faced racism in the public sphere: in the workplace (public sector), in my educational pursuits and during everyday interactions. I am not a politician, from a well-known family or ever had power and authority over others. I have faced racism in Guyana simply because I have straight hair and brown skin; I am a Coolie. And because I am a Coolie, I am expected to accept abuse and discrimination against me as normal. 

For example, when I was a 16-year-old student at the University of Guyana, an Afro-Guyanese lecturer tried several times to fail me for an introductory English Language course. For her last attempt she claimed that I didn’t sit the final examination for the course. Fortunately, I had the attendance slip which was signed by the invigilator but that didn’t help me much. When I complained, I was told that I’d be allowed to retake the exam as an ‘I grade exam’ but the highest grade I could obtain would be a C. I took the I-grade exam and of course the lecturer faced no consequences, but I was punished. Plus, a male whom I complained to asked me for sex. This sort of behaviour was and probably still is prevalent at the UG. Male lecturers felt quite comfortable preying on the vulnerable because in their eyes, students had reached the age of consent (16 years) and they were/are enabled by the deep-seated level of misogyny in the society. 

And an Afro-Guyanese woman, Soyinka Grogan from the Ministry of Public Service took away my medical school scholarship unjustly and of course there were no consequences for her, but the course of my life was changed. Her actions were not only unethical but also illegal. The contract was breached and I was discriminated against which I have proof of but because I am a Nobody Coolie, I was seen as an easy target and someone who others can discriminate against without facing consequences (https://lifeingy.com/constitutional-violations-and-discrimination-by-government-officials/). 

I’ve also faced racism in the workplace. For years, I was affected and although I complained many times I was ignored. The majority of workers in Guyana’s public sector are Afro-Guyanese and the majority of people with power and authority in this sector are also Afro-Guyanese. I’ve experienced going to Afro-Guyanese in management/leadership positions about workplace matters and either being ignored or my situation worsening because I dared to complain. What I’ve experienced is that Afro-Guyanese will not address a complaint if it’s against an Afro-Guyanese even if the person is clearly wrong. And I’ve experienced Afro-Guyanese condoning and even encouraging the bad behaviour of other Afro-Guyanese; it’s like they believe that they cannot go against people of their own ethnicity even if they are wrong. I’ve written about workplace discrimination (https://lifeingy.com/the-ministry-of-education-guyana-condoned-discrimination-by-failing-to-act-fairly-and-decisively/). And I plan to write about racism in other settings that I’ve experienced. 

A Coolie Female 

I was born into a patriarchal culture. I am expected to be like other brown females in the Indo-Guyanese community, but I have never quite fitted the mould and I don’t want to. I am expected to be silent, subservient and a person without dreams of her own. I am expected to follow the group. I am not seen as an individual and I’m not expected to be one. I’ve truly never fitted in and I’m seen as an outcast and rebel for being different.  

Due to expectations and the fact that I don’t fit in, I have never been supported or taken seriously. For example, in the workplace if I voice an opinion I am ignored. What is stated is not evaluated for merit because I am not supposed to have an opinion in the first place. Brown women are seen as frivolous, ‘brainless’ beings whose concerns should be about cooking, cleaning and other mundane chores associated with the home.  

In the family, I am expected to be silent. To be seen and not heard. To be hidden until I fade; existing as just another brown female, an accessory and not an individual.  

Many brown girls are raised like chickens, penned up their entire lives. No thought is given to the development and needs of the individual. 

In the community, people are concerned with the stupidest things like who is ‘whoring’ or not ‘whoring’. I felt so intellectually oppressed, it’s hard to have a conversation with people about anything of substance. And their obsession with vaginas is more about having power and control over the lives of girls and women (https://lifeingy.com/females-oppressed-because-of-obsession-hatred-of-vagina/). Many brown females are brainwashed into believing that they need to spend all their time in the home. Socialisation outside of the home is seen as immoral behaviour. It’s like one has to prove that one is a good Coolie girl by hiding in the house so that people will say ‘This girl is a good girl. I’ve never seen her talking to boys or going out. She is always at home.’ They style it as ‘proper behaviour’ but it’s all about control. 

Accepting what I am 

I am a Nobody-Coolie Woman. I’ve had certain experiences in my life because this is how I am seen. I am treated a certain way because this is what I am. Accepting what one is helps in understanding the ‘Why’.  

The post I am a Nobody-Coolie Woman; this is what I am appeared first on Life in Guyana.

Two individuals I’m acquainted with briefly commented on my letters, and what they said felt more like insults than observations/criticism. Both said that nobody would feel pity for me and one went further by saying that people would laugh at me. What I found insulting was the fact that these persons believe that I write about issues (personal and in general) publicly because I want people to pity or like me and care about whether they would laugh at me or not! It’s as if they believe that I am a superficial being who writes because I seek the approval and acceptance of others. They reduced me and I felt insulted. 

If I truly cared about what others think about me I would never open my mouth or pen a line publicly because as an Indo-Guyanese female, I am expected to be a silent, invisible, subservient person whose sole purpose in life is to make roti, cook curry, clean, be a willing victim of abuse and if capable of ‘thought’ use my intelligence to defend myself against accusations of engaging in immoral behaviour such as ‘liking’ men, talking to men and engaging in ‘wickedness’. This is the society I live in and what a ‘good’ Indian female is expected to be. Also, I have been surrounded my entire life by silent, submissive and invisible brown women.  

For me, writing is more than an act of rebellion, it is giving myself a voice and if I don’t do it for myself, I will remain just another silent, brown woman because nobody is going to ‘allow’ me to have a voice. And writing is also self-therapy particularly when I write about negative experiences. It’s like by putting on paper how I felt and what happened to me I’m releasing all those negative emotions and memories associated with the experience.  

I grew up and still live in an environment where I’m not allowed to speak. If something bothers me I’m expected to keep it bottled up inside and just carry on like normal and usually when I attempt to speak I’m shot down, criticised for speaking or ignored. And it’s not just a family thing, it’s the wider society. People just don’t know how to communicate and don’t want to listen either. Everything is superficial and yet, ever so often one reads about young people committing suicide and I am confronted by the mental health crisis in the country every time I go to Georgetown. Many persons suffering from mental illnesses roam the streets endangering themselves and others. I believe that people find themselves overwhelmed by problems with nobody to talk to and seek guidance from. People simply don’t care, actually enjoy seeing others suffer, judge them or don’t know how to have normal conversations about things that matter. 

For instance, I have a friend who calls me every day to chat and we often go out together. So we’d talk about a bunch of frivolous things: sales, neighbourhood gossip etc, yet every time I attempt to add more substance to a topic my friend would say that she needs to use the bathroom or has to do something else. For example, she mentioned a girl we know hooking up with an older man and drinking alcohol at a bar. I attempted to start a discussion on how these men prey on girls and thus deny them a normal childhood/young adulthood and that the girl should be exposed to more age-appropriate activities etc. She behaved as if I was boring her and that’s her usual reaction if the surface of any issue is prodded. Gossip, superficiality and that’s just it! No substance or going beneath the surface plus she doesn’t want to hear ‘negative’ news either like many others probably because the interaction would require greater emotional involvement and thinking.  

I find myself surrounded by superficiality; story of my life. Or maybe it’s just my perspective and not actually what is there, who knows… Yet I don’t believe I am seeing things entirely one-sided like that time when ‘everyone’ assumed that I attempted suicide yet nobody had the balls (for lack of a better word) to ask me what really happened (https://lifeingy.com/my-experience-with-bullying/). That would have required ‘too much’ involvement and emotions and there are many other examples to throw out. 

So I went off topic with my other ramblings but that’s just the direction the mind decided to take. Bottom line, I write for myself and I don’t give a rat’s behind about what others think. If I did, I wouldn’t be who I am and the only thing that can change me is death.  

The post I write for myself appeared first on Life in Guyana.

This is what happened to me and over 9 years later I am still affected and remain a ‘prisoner’ within the borders of Guyana. A ‘prisoner’ whose only option to travel out of the territory is to produce a court order, which I should not have needed in the first place, and subject myself to an interrogation by border authorities.  I never received by post or email any document stating why my name is on a ‘special’ list at ports of exit nor was I informed orally via telephone or in person.  

Moreover, freedom of movement is enshrined in the Constitution of Guyana. Only in particular circumstances of an extraordinary nature such as a public health crisis or war can someone be prevented from travelling out of the jurisdiction apart from criminal matters which goes through the courts and proper procedure followed.  

According to the Constitution of Guyana, persons who have had their constitutional right to freedom of movement violated have cause for compensation. However, in Guyana it has been shown countless times that the laws are there for the ‘elites’ and super wealthy, there is no legal recourse for ‘second-class citizens’ and due to this perception people get away with and normalise corrupt, unethical and unlawful behaviours. 

From the sequence of events and a subsequent court matter I can safely assume that the Public Service Ministry is responsible for my predicament. It stems from a scholarship I received in 2008 from the ministry to study Human Medicine in Cuba. After sixteen months into my studies I lost this scholarship due to several reasons but mainly because of the unprofessional actions of the then Students Affair Officer, Ms. Soyinka Grogan. 

Scholarship and Medical school 

In 2008 I saw an advertisement in one of the newspapers inviting the public to apply for scholarships to study in Cuba in various fields including Human Medicine. This was a dream of mine and one which I couldn’t have realised in Guyana. Apart from other factors, I had a very dysfunctional and unstable home life which made full-time studies where dependency comes into play impossible. Science had always appealed to me and in secondary school I wrote all the available science subjects for CSEC. A few of my classmates had already begun tertiary education in Cuba through the scholarship programme. 

I was granted a scholarship to study Human Medicine in Cuba and along with almost 100 students embarked on this journey in November 2008. The first year was termed ‘Pre-Med’, one had to successfully complete this in order to advance to the medical programme. It was basically a revision of topics covered in high school Physics, Chemistry and Biology; and an introduction to some new subjects like Anatomy, Physiology and Cuban History which were all taught in Spanish. However, the majority of periods were dedicated to learning the Spanish language, a separate subject. 

The programme was intensive and the school environment, competitive which I enjoyed. Academically, I was doing well and the only things I had to worry about were studying and myself.  

Returning to Guyana and losing my scholarship 

In March 2010 my father contacted me with the news that my mother was in the ICU of the Georgetown Public Hospital Corporation (GPHC). For years she suffered from an illness which gradually paralyzed parts of her body. It was progressive, starting with a limp however, the doctors she saw were unable to diagnose her condition and recommended that she seek diagnosis and treatment abroad. Although, her issue was suspected to be neurological in nature there weren’t any neurologist or other specialists in Guyana at the time capable of diagnosing her condition. 

She was due for admittance to a hospital in Cuba shortly before her condition got worse. After she was admitted to the ICU, word from the hospital was that it could no longer admit her. I was asked by my father to locate a hospital in Cuba that was willing to admit her. I found one in the centre of Havana.  

Around that time, I begun suffering from a sleeping disorder due to the stress. Then a ticket was brought for me to return to Guyana to collect my mother and accompany her to the hospital in Cuba. I had no idea how bad she was and the semester was still ongoing. In retrospect, I don’t think the position I was placed in was fair. The relationship between both of my parents and me was not close due to many unresolved issues. One of my siblings, my mom’s partner or one of her relatives could have been tasked with the responsibility of accompanying her to Cuba…

The school officials were considering giving us a break for ‘Semana Santa’ (Easter holidays) but nothing was finalised so the Dean of the school gave me one week of ‘special leave’. I thought that would have been sufficient. Something happened though that proved significant later. The school had to seek permission from a central authority in the city for me to travel, everything was bureaucratic.  Since these people didn’t know me personally and probably thought my request was due to pregnancy – from what I saw most female students who had to return to their countries during the semester did so for this reason – my permission period (permiso) was valid for 1 year. 

March 26, 2010, I came to Guyana and had absolutely no intention of quitting medical school and remaining here. I had completed Pre-Med and was in the second semester of the first-year of Medicine. There were 3 semesters.  

I had a return ticket and came only with a carry-on suitcase; most of my belongings were in Cuba. And I enjoyed being there, as a young adult the environment was liberating. I got to be around other young people, had an active social life, was free to travel in the country and enjoyed the environment which was far less restrictive and conservative than Guyanese society. I even regularly visited a cultural centre in a nearby town where I was learning to play the guitar and intended to learn other things offered there. 

Only when I visited my mother in the hospital, I learnt of how severe her condition was. She was on a ventilator and of course, couldn’t travel. I honestly thought that she was going to get better and I felt this enormous sense of responsibility as if her life depended on me taking her to the hospital. Also, some of her relatives were telling me that I needed to take care of her…The stress I was feeling was further intensified when my father became ill and was hospitalised for a few days.   

While in Guyana, I kept in contact with one of my friends by email. He informed me that the school was going to give Easter vacation/study break and final examination for semester 2 was going to be the first week in May. Since I had my textbooks and notebook with me, I requested an extension of my leave until the end of April from the Manager of Scholarship in Guyana, Ms. Benfield. Based on my experiences in Cuba I thought that was all that was required of me. There, we related our issues to the level head and she along with other officials of the school acted on our behalf, did the required paperwork etc., and made all arrangements for us. I thought it was the same setup in Guyana.  

Unethical behaviour by the Student Affairs Officer 

On Thursday, April 15, 2010, I got a call from the Student Affairs Officer, Ms. Soyinka Grogan. She told me that I had to get back to Cuba that weekend. I told her I couldn’t and that I’d requested an extension of my leave from the manager. Soon the conversation degraded into an argument and when it ended it was forgotten because I had so many other things to worry about. 

On Friday, April 16, I was in the city on the way to visit my mother when my father called me and said that Ms. Grogan wanted to see me right away at the Public Service Ministry (PSM). During her brief conversation with him, she did not reveal why she wanted to see me. 

When I got to the PSM, without asking me why I couldn’t travel that weekend or offering any sort of advice as the Student Affairs Officer, Ms. Grogan just handed me a pen and paper and said to write about my decision to not return immediately. Conveniently, I was told that the manager, Ms Benfield was on leave. Ms. Grogan even said that I was supposed to contact the school. At no time was I informed that I had to contact the school personally by anyone from the PSM.  

I feel that Ms. Grogan acted in a most unethical manner. Also, I do not believe she had any right to do what she did. She took advantage of my emotional vulnerability. Apart from stress and feelings of responsibility for my mother’s welfare I was suffering from a sleeping disorder. I was not thinking clearly and in my best interest.  

I was not even given the day or weekend to think over anything and this woman totally disregarded my interactions with the manager who was her superior. I didn’t even think to call anyone nor was I asked if I wanted to consult with those close to me. In a few minutes I completed the letter and handed it to her. She didn’t even give me a copy and to date, I’ve never received a copy of this letter.  

Before and after writing that fateful letter on April 16 I was never told what would be the consequences of it. It was an impulsive act that happened because of manipulation by someone who was supposed to act in my best interests. When I entered the Ministry that day, I had no idea it was going to happen. 

I firmly believe that had I been allowed to leave that Friday to think over everything I would have contacted the school personally and asked for some more time. Since students were on study leave, there was absolutely no reason why the school would have refused my request and overall, the treatment I received from the Cubans was far better than what I got from Guyanese officials.  

Writing to the Minister of Public Service 

I realised what had happened to me and discussed the matter with some friends who tried to help. I didn’t have acquaintances who were prominent citizens. The thing is that Guyanese society is very corrupt and to get anything done one has to know people ‘at the top’ who are willing to do ‘favours’ although these ‘favours’ are not considered as such in other places. For instance, I tried to speak with the Minister of Public Service, Dr. Jennifer Westford and I couldn’t get past her secretary who wanted to know exactly what my problem was and pronounce on it herself. 

One of my friends, got me an audience with Dr. Nanda Gopaul whom I believe was an advisor to the president. After telling him my story he suggested that I write a letter to the Minister of Public Service requesting a leave of absence from my studies. When I met Dr. Gopaul it was already May and I’d missed the final examination of the second semester and the third had begun. So, I wrote a letter (part of it below) requesting leave until the end of that academic year (August) and gave it to Dr. Gopaul who promised to personally deliver it to the Minister.  

When I contacted him again, he assured me that he delivered my letter. I never received a response from minister. 

My mother was still in the ICU and we existed in this suspended state of stress, anxiety and worries for months.  

My quest to continue my studies 

After several months, I realised that my mother’s condition was not going to improve. My academic dreams weighed heavily on my mind and I wanted to resume my medical studies. The only way to realise my dreams was to return to Cuba. 

Through a friend at the school I got in contact with our level head, Ms. Ada (I can’t remember her last name since we all just called her Ms. Ada). I communicated with her via email and expressed my wish to resume my studies. She informed me that due to the fact that I missed the final examination for semester 2 (60% of total marks) and semester 3 was almost over, I can return to the school but would have to redo Year 1 which would start in September. 

After my mother died in August 2010 I went to the Ministry of Public Service and informed the officials there that I wanted to travel to Cuba. Shockingly, I was told that I needed to lodge $4,000,000 with the Accountant General of the Ministry of Finance to leave the country as a ‘bonded trainee’ (document below).

I was not allowed to return to my studies by the Public Service Ministry and not offered a job by the government yet I was a ‘bonded trainee’. I didn’t have the sum to lodge…nothing close to it. In fact, when I accepted the scholarship I had resigned from my job and the only stipend I’d gotten from the government while in Cuba was 100 Canadian dollars per month. I couldn’t leave.  

Years later, I wonder about the legality of that document and the legality of many others which were from the Public Service Ministry (PSM). 

Writing again to the Minister of Public Service and receiving a cost of training letter 

Once again, I tried to get help directly from the Minister. I sent another letter dated September 15, 2010, (part of letter below) to her through Dr. Gopaul requesting a resumption of my medical studies. I never received a response although Dr. Gopaul assured me that he delivered it. 

Shortly after, I received a correspondence dated September 21, 2010, from the PSM. It was a ‘cost of training’ letter stating that I owed the Government of Guyana $5,570,900 (part of document below). As can be seen 70% interest was added to tuition, airfare and maintenance. How did they arrive at that? Also, at no time was I shown evidence that the government paid tuition for me.  

I questioned the tuition because years later, a reporter from a well-known newspaper told me that the government paid no tuition. The scholarships were given as a gesture of goodwill between Cuba and Guyana. This information aligns with what students from other countries told me while in Cuba. Many got the scholarships from the Cuban embassies in their countries and did not enter into any contractual agreement with their governments. On completion of their studies they were free to work for whomever they chose. Regardless, at that meeting with Ms. Grogan on April 16 where I apparently lost my scholarship nothing about repaying the government was said to me. 

Visit to Cuba to pursue my studies 

I fell into a state of depression and spent some months in a neighbouring country then I tried to continue my medical studies. In July 2011 I returned to Cuba on a tourist visa, which was my only option and allowed me to stay in the country for 28 days.  

I visited the former level head, Ms Ada in Pinar Del Rio where she lived. She had kept all my belongings in her little apartment because my year group had moved to another university at the other end of the island. Honestly, many of our Cuban professors took on the role of surrogate parents. Among many fond memories, I recall being taken by one of the female doctors to a famous ice-cream parlour in Havana where she insisted on paying although she worked for so little and  our Spanish teacher bringing ‘sugar cake’ for us from his province when he returned from a brief visit home. Throughout my ‘scholarship ordeal’ the treatment I received from the Cubans was far superior to that which I received from Guyanese officials. 

After retrieving my belongings, I went to the medical university in Granma (a province near Guantanamo) where my year group was located. I was even allowed to stay in the dorm with Guyanese students. I believe I spent about a week at that university and while there interacted with several school officials. I told the Dean what had happened to me and expressed my desire to continue my studies. He had his secretary document everything and advised me to contact the education officials in Havana. 

In Havana I met an official at one of the ministries. I can’t remember his name but I spent quite some time telling him my story. He even had my file from the school there which he referred to and was surprised to learn that although my ‘permiso’ was valid for one year I was not allowed to continue my studies. He offered to help and told me to contact the Cuban embassy in Guyana on my return. I couldn’t stay longer in Cuba since I did not have the appropriate visa. 

Returning to Guyana 

I returned to Guyana and contacted the Cuban embassy. I expressed my desire to continue my studies in Cuba. There was a huge roadblock; the scholarships were given to the Government of Guyana and only the Public Service Ministry could allow me to resume my studies. 

A few days after, Ms. Grogan from the PSM called me. She wanted to know if I’d travelled to Cuba and I believe she asked me if I wanted to continue my medical studies. I answered truthfully and the call soon ended. After this, she nor the Cuban embassy contacted me.  

Being placed on the Blacklist 

On September 21, 2011, I attempted to leave the country through the Cheddi Jagan Interntional Airport. At the immigration counter I was informed that I couldn’t board the plane because my name was placed on the ‘Blacklist’ on instructions from the Public Service Ministry. I had no choice but to watch the plane depart without me.  

I was terrified at this new development and didn’t really know what to do. The legal option hadn’t even crossed my mind. From the time I returned to that moment I hadn’t worked. Apart from my mental health suffering I was focused on continuing my studies so basically, I was broke and unemployed. 

The next months I spent meeting various individuals through referrals from acquaintances. It was suggested that these persons would be able to help me and although some did try, I was left in the same state until the end of November 2011. I met someone from the USA through a mutual friend and the first thing this person suggested was the legal route. By then I had decided to send letters to the Ministries of Public Service and Legal Affairs (part of letter below, same was sent to PSM) seeking clarification on the ‘Cost of training’ document and the reasons behind me being blacklisted. I downloaded a copy of the Constitution of Guyana which I thoroughly read and came to the conclusion that being ‘blacklisted’ was a violation of my constitutional rights. 

I received no response from the Ministry of Public Service but someone from the Ministry of Legal Affairs called me with the news that the Attorney General, Mr. Anil Nandlall wanted to see me. A date and time were set and on the appointed hour I met Mr. Nandlall. In a Stabroek News article about my ordeal I referred to the meeting with Mr. Nandlall. He told the reporter that he couldn’t recall meeting me. I was never personally acquainted with him and had absolutely nothing to gain by referring to the meeting between us. I met him in his capacity as Attorney General, that is a fact…maybe the Ministry of Legal Affairs noted the meeting.  

High Court and court order 

In January 2012 I secured a job that I’d applied for since the previous year. However, I was not paid until 5 months later (public servant job). So, with the help of my sibling and friend from abroad I hired a lawyer, the cheapest one I was able to find after meeting about a half a dozen. He wrote to the Minister of Public Service, Dr. Westford and the Commissioner of Police. None of them replied to my blacklisting allegations. 

We moved to the High court; it was a constitutional case, particularly, Articles 40, 142 and 148 of the Constitution of Guyana. In June 2012 the order or rule nisi of prohibition granted to me in April was made absolute directed to the Commissioner of Police. I received no sort of compensation for my airline tickets or the cost of hiring my lawyer to obtain something for me which I should not have needed in the first place. 

The media and a libellous article by the Mirror newspaper 

In June 2017 a letter I sent to the Editor of Kaieteur News was published, it was titled, My name has been placed on the infamous blacklist. I had read the Former Attorney General’s comments in the media about the unconstitutionality of blacklisting persons. It reeked of hypocrisy and I felt the need to respond by highlighting what had happened to me.  

On June 10 the Mirror newspaper, a political paper of the PPP/C Party,  published a libellous article which stated, ‘A claim by a letter writer, Narissa Deokarran, that she was “prevented” from leaving Guyana because her name was “placed on a blacklist” in 2011 – a letter published by the Kaieteur News – has proven to be a fabrication.’  

Nobody from the Mirror contacted me to verify my claims. The newspaper stated that my entire story was a fabrication since my name was not on a list provided by the Special Organised Crime Unit (SOCU). The Editor completely disregarded the contents of my letter in Kaieteur News where I stated that I was never arrested or charged with a crime, so why would I be on SOCU’s list? The article even had that I alleged that I met the Attorney General in September 2011. Nowhere in my letter was this stated. Also, the Mirror claimed that the Guyana Police Force said that my letter was a fabrication. How can that be when the Acting Chief Justice of the High Court in June 2011, ruled in my favour and granted me a court order which is directed to the Commissioner of Police prohibiting him from preventing me from travelling out of the jurisdiction?  

An article on my matter was published in the Stabroek News on June 11 which referred to my court order. The story was investigated by a journalist and different sides presented. Still, the Mirror news outlet has its fabricated story online. 

Constitutional violations by the Government of Guyana 

Fictitious contract 

Presently, I am unable to travel out of Guyana ‘freely’; I am still blacklisted. Whenever I leave these shores, I have to produce my court order and subject myself to an interrogation by immigration officials. Without the court order I will not be allowed to leave. 

In July 2019 at the immigration checkpoint at the Cheddi Jagan International airport I was asked about my ‘contractual obligations’. The problem is that there is no contractual obligation. I was never allowed to continue my studies in Cuba and I was not offered a contract job by the Government of Guyana. So where does ‘contractual obligation’ as a basis for being blacklisted at all ports of exit figure? 

According to the agreement I signed on acceptance of the scholarship – a document in my possession – the duration of my studies in Human Medicine was expected to be 7 years, inclusive of one year Pre-Med and the final year in Guyana. On completion of my studies I was expected to accept employment within the Public Service/Sector for a continuous period of at least 5 years. I have lots of acquaintances who are doctors, to the best of my knowledge none has a contract that is longer than 5 years. If post graduate studies on a Government of Guyana scholarship is embarked on only then is it expected to extend. 

I spent 1 year and 4 months in Cuba. I did not obtain an MBBS or MD qualification. The first-year was Pre-Med and I only completed one semester of Medical studies, the second semester was incomplete. What contract do I have with the PSM? I gained nothing but lost years of my life in a limbo state and had to start over from scratch. 

Before going to Cuba. I earned a Bachelor’s degree from the University of Guyana and had been working in the Public Sector for over 3.5 years. When I accepted the scholarship, I resigned from my job. 

When I realized I wouldn’t be allowed to continue my medical studies I sought employment on my own with the skills and qualifications I obtained Pre-Cuba. I have been working in the Public Sector for over 8 years now. This is far longer than the 5 years I would have had to serve had I completed 7 years of training and become a medical doctor. It is vindictive and malicious of the PSM to have sent my name to immigration officials under the false pretext that I have contractual obligations to the Government of Guyana. 

Cost of training 

I also wondered about the ‘Cost of Training’ letters I received. In September 2010 I received the first one therefore the PSM did not intend to allow me to continue my studies in Cuba. Can an alleged debt be used as the basis for denying someone their fundamental right to freedom of movement? If so, then logically banks and other financial institutions would be able to have loan defaulters blacklisted without the judicial process! 

In February 2018 I received a second ‘Cost of Training’ letter from the Ministry of the Presidency (part of the letter below). It states that I am required to repay the Government of Guyana the cost of training (adjusted to 12% interest) since I did not return to Cuba to complete my studies. This is false, the PSM did not allow me to complete my studies. 

Discrimination by the Government of Guyana 

When I embarked on my studies in November 2008 there were almost a 100 persons on that journey including 5 students – that I know of and can name – who studied in Cuba before but returned to Guyana due to personal issues. These 5 students, including the daughter of a prominent politician of the then ruling party, were given ‘second chances’ to continue their studies and from what I’ve heard from friends all were able to graduate medical school. Why weren’t I given a ‘second chance’ like them? 

I am personally aware of the fact that the terms of the contract between us and the Government of Guyana were applied in a discriminatory manner. Some students had their scholarships revoked for supposedly breaching the contract while others were allowed to continue their studies. 

For instance, the 5 ‘second chance’ students were given the opportunity to progress straight into the medical programme or repeat Pre-Med. Four chose to repeat and one advanced. Two of those female students were in my room – 15 of us shared one room – and they related that due to pregnancy both returned to Guyana. Well, during Pre-Med and shortly after I left 2 students became pregnant and were sent back to Guyana. They never returned to Cuba. I don’t know if they were offered the same opportunity. 

Also, from friends who continued their studies I was told that during the course of the programme several students whom they named, became pregnant, chose to continue their pregnancies and eventually graduated a year or more later than the majority. Like everything else it’s all about having those important ‘connections’. 

While, I personally feel that it is a breach of human rights to deny someone an education due to pregnancy, the so-called terms of the contract were not applied in a just manner.  

Does a Leave of Absence warrant the suspension of one’s scholarship? 

Nowhere in the contract does it state that a leave of absence warrants a suspension of one’s scholarship. Besides, it is a fact that several students in my year group graduated a year or more later than expected, so why was I not allowed to continue my studies? 

Also, the school was willing to accept me and I had excellent academic results which the Assistant Dean attested to (document below). A leave of absence was nothing unusual. While in Cuba, I met many students from other countries who had personal issues, returned to their countries then resumed their studies at a later date without having problems with the Cuban authorities.  

Even at the University of Guyana, where people frequently complain about the sloth and red tape involved in getting simple things done, one which I have never heard anyone complain about is applying and getting approval for a leave of absence. From the university side there is no penalty. It is one of the easiest things to get done and the process has even gone online. I’ve never heard of anyone being denied a Leave of Absence from our local university. In fact, during my days there I took a leave of absence when I had some personal problems. 

People encounter problems and changes all the time. If someone migrates, become sick, has financial problems or face other normal issues and need to take some time off does that signal the end of the person’s academic pursuits? 

The most mind-boggling things happen in Guyana and for ‘second class citizens’ there is no recourse. 

My position  

This post is very long because I’ve made some serious allegations and needed to relate everything that occurred with my scholarship and subsequent blacklisting. I stand behind this post and have evidence to show for the allegations made.  

Although, most of the events occurred almost a decade ago I am still affected. I still have to produce my court order every time I leave the country and the Public Service Ministry’s position is that I need to repay the Government of Guyana the total cost of training. 

I do not feel that I owe the Government of Guyana anything because I was not allowed to continue my studies although I tried several times to do so. In fact, I feel that the Government of Guyana discriminated against me and violated my constitutional rights which are still being violated presently.  

N.B. I wrote about my ordeal in a ‘Letter to the Editor’ which was published in the Kaieteur Newspaper. To date nobody from the named ministry or with interest in this matter has responded to my allegations.

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In March, I had cause to visit my old school, Annandale Secondary School. While there I greeted a few familiar faces. One teacher acted like he knew me but I couldn’t remember him so I asked him whether he taught me. He said, ”Yes” and when I asked him what sort of student I was he said with a smirk on his face that I had psychiatric problems.

Now this man most likely taught me in the lower forms when I was 12 or 13 and he has worked as a teacher for decades but time hasn’t improved his mind. I said nothing but I wanted to ask him how he knew that I had psychiatric problems and whether he did anything to help me as my teacher. I cannot recall ever having any conversation with him or fond memories due to his teaching. He made no impact on my life yet dismissed me as having psychiatric problems and in our society due to stigma related to mental health, his remark was geared at belittling me. 

My experience with bullying

In fact,  I was bullied in secondary school for years, from age 12 to15, and not once did I receive any form of counselling even the informal kind from teachers. The school had no counsellors and I wasn’t referred to a welfare officer. The bullying affected me so much that I  became physically ill and fainted several times while at school. The teachers would send for my parents to collect me then the next day I was back again in the same situation and neither parents nor teachers ever had a talk with me about it although they knew that I was being bullied. I believe that the fainting spells were a result of my body being under enormous stress and seeking an escape or attention from those I thought could have helped me.

How it started

It all started with me trying to avoid a beating when I was 12 because I left school one afternoon without permission to visit my friend (next door neighbour) at her school.

Then, there was little recreational activity. It was just straight from school to home to be under the gaze of my parents; gender norms and proper female behaviour were brandished as the excuses for this freakish control. Well, like any normal child I disobeyed from time to time.

My friend was attending a different secondary school two villages away from mine and she kept gushing about how nice it was. So, we decided that I was going to visit her there during my 1 hr lunch break. Unfortunately, due to waiting a long time for a bus I ended up arriving after her lunch hour was over and she was already in the classroom. Some prefects saw me and I was hustled to the Headmaster who informed my school of the situation via telephone. 

The school’s administration told my mother and as soon as I arrived home I saw that some terrible punishment awaited me. She was angry – it wasn’t entirely due to my behaviour – and told me that she was going to tell my father. Well, that was my worst fear. My father was the disciplinarian. When he wasn’t whipping, his words were aimed at humiliating, degrading and inflicting mental trauma; to make matters worse he was getting drunk at a shop in the village and we all feared him in that state.

I was thinking up ways to escape the beating – which I felt was going to happen – and then remembered my friend’s cousin. The child had mistakenly drunk some kerosene. What stuck in my mind then was that everyone made a big fuss over him although he looked perfectly OK. I thought if I did the same my mother was going to feel sorry for me and not tell my father about my ill-fated adventure. 

We had some kerosene in a bottle; I took a spoonful and sipped. I remember feeling an intense burning in my throat. After that one sip, I threw the rest away, went to the fence and told my friend’s grandmother what I’d done (my friend lived with her parents, sibling, aunt, uncle, cousins and grandmother in that house).

She told my mother and they both gave me raw eggs and milk to drink. Then I was taken to the public hospital and admitted for a few days. I didn’t see the point of that because literally no medical examination or procedure was done. I was taken to an adult ward although I was a 12-year-old child. In the mornings and evenings a few tablets swallowed and that was basically the medical intervention. During my stay I learnt that the ward housed tuberculosis and  AIDS patients who were dying. They were a few beds away and one day a female doctor took me to see the AIDS patients wearing adult diapers and in the worst physical condition; just skin and bones.

I believe that Guyanese just don’t know how to talk to each other especially, the child-adult scenario. So, nobody asked me why I’d drunk kerosene. And the doctor just assumed that I was in a relationship with a boy which my parents did not approve of so I tried to commit suicide. I got this from some comments she made while with the AIDS patients. Although, I can’t remember her exact words it was basically about what sex can lead to and having boyfriends. Contrary to what this doctor thought I wasn’t even allowed to have male friends and even having female friends was frown upon. 

At school

After my brief, uneventful stay at the hospital which did save me from a beating I faced a new horror much worse than being spanked; years of bullying in high school which spilled onto the streets and followed me to university.

I lived in a village where most people had no sort of interests/hobbies. The activities that entertained villagers were men beating their wives and children publicly; men beating men after getting drunk at the rumshops and village gossip. Not surprisingly, villagers including students from my school  knew about the ‘Kerosene incident’. From the first post incident day at school, children started their assaults and they can be the most cruel to their peers. I was called ‘Kero’, ‘Stove’ etc, I really can’t remember all the names and although it no longer bothers me I was affected for many years, well into my 20s. 

Apart from the name calling, ‘songs’ were made up and the children launched their attacks whenever they saw me even in the presence of teachers. Although, I was a good student academically and even ended up as the 3rd best graduating student, my high school experience was miserable and the bullying along with other problems hindered me from realizing my full academic potential.

After school

Some people are sadists, they enjoy making others miserable. While none of my tormentors wanted to know the ‘why’ they ensured that their friends were made aware of my situation and what names to call me. The craziness continued at the University of Guyana and on the street. I would be going to a class or walking on the road and out of the blue pops a ‘Kero’ or some other nonsense from the mouth of a  random person. 

Even adults taunted me. Lots of Guyanese do not know any better though so that was expected. Once I was involved in a survey project and one resident asked me in a mocking tone if my name was Kero. This older  woman- about twice my age – was standing with her sons and instead of showing them adult maturity decided to humiliate me in the presence of colleagues.

Lack of communication

So I was bullied for years yet no one, including my parents never had a conversation with me about it. I have never met a Guyanese who can have normal conversations on sensitive topics without getting angry, lashing out or being judgemental. People just do not know how to communicate; my high school teachers were just the same and with the passage of time things remain the same. What better example than a teacher without any formal training in mental health issues and nearing retirement with decades of experience in teaching saying that I had psychiatric problems.

He exemplifies the way many educated and uneducated Guyanese view mental health issues and people who behave in ways perceived to be abnormal. There is always a ‘why’ behind an act but people prefer to make others miserable…and offer no assistance, not even a few comforting words. Due to insensitivity, lack of communication and mental health facilities when people do suffer breakdowns they are labelled, with ‘crazy’ topping the list.

Bullying has resulted in damaged and lost lives. I have read stories of children commiting suicide because of being bullied. In Guyana, we definitely have problems among children because of this issue but overall it is not being addressed. Bullying is not seen as something serious. While this post is about my experience I intend to write another post which deals with this topic from a broader perspective. 

The post My experience with bullying appeared first on Life in Guyana.

In Private

What is empowerment? I believe one facet of this larger than life word is the will to stand up and state exactly how I feel without fear. Why should people have their lives controlled and dictated by someone else to their detriment? Control certainly is not love. Many people especially women allow others to decide the boundaries of their freedom, the clothes that cover their bodies and the lifestyles that they are expected to lead. Regardless of sex, the freedom that comes from being able to stand up for yourself and take control of your own mind, body and destiny is worth fighting for.

Expression is a great “destresser”. Have you ever felt that you were unfairly treated, humiliated or verbally abused by someone and you just held it in? In time the rage festers and becomes a white-hot ball of anger and hatred that seeks escape. Some people lash out violently while others, including me, internalise the anger and instead of hurting the cause of our misery we hurt ourselves and melancholy, depression and other mental afflictions set in. A sequence follows because a sick mind leads to a sick body and a reduced quality of life. I have discovered that by firmly expressing myself I am able to take control of my life and remove negativity, impositions and people who are a burden on my mental health.

We only have this life to live, why let others who bring darkness, chains and misery take control of it. Nothing is guaranteed and tomorrow is not promised. Regardless of how much time we have on this earth why don’t we take our right into our own hands to live life to the fullest however we deem fit.

In Public

If you desire change then you must want it and seek it out! I hate when people blame others for not bringing about the changes that they desire. In the first place if you remain silent how are others supposed to know what you want?

Passive spectators have never birthed little changes or grand revolutions. Weapons, violence and bloodshed are not required just a voice with an opinion.

Whether you disagree with a policy of the government, want a pothole filled or need to complain about your garbage not being collected you need to let yourself be heard and not wait for others to be your voice because it may never happen. People can express themselves publicly by letter writing, commenting, sharing posts, blogging, protest actions etc.

Politicians and the other power wielders are not Gods but are elected and paid by the people. They were hired and can be fired. If you disagree do not be afraid to speak. Change is required to breed progress which can only occur if people recognise, address and correct something deemed a “problem”.

Not good enough to express?

Whenever I wrote anything that I intended to share with others I would grapple with how I would be judged. I battered myself on my lack of confidence and ability at using the English Language effectively and at constructing grammatically correct sentences, but the most important part of my writing was really the content-the message I wanted to get out. I wasted my time beating myself up over the frills and dressing, the least important problem which could have cost me my chance at giving myself a voice.

In reality, the vast majority of Guyanese use Creolese/ Guyanese Creole or broken English to express themselves most of the time so why should a poor grasp of the Queen’s English prevent you from stating your opinions and thoughts? Due to our colonial past, diverse culture and colourful ethnic groups we developed our unique Creole dialect that every Guyanese understands and can speak just like our Caribbean neighbours. Yet people feel that they are not good enough to write a letter or even leave a comment and this is understandable since many would harshly criticise others on grammar and not being able to write or speak “proper English” rather than focus on the message being conveyed and commend the efforts made. Ironically, often those who criticize are unable to write or speak “proper English” themselves and would baulk at the thought of publishing a piece of writing.

As long as we can be understood we are communicating and therefore can express ourselves freely. Fear of ridicule should not be an excuse to not give yourself a voice. All eligible persons regardless of education level achieved are given the most important right-the right to vote. If you can decide the fate of your country, why can’t you express yourself?

Big or Small, Now or Never

Whether it’s to end a bad relationship, tell off a controlling relative or protest regarding an important issue being decided by the government if you do not speak up you lose your chance at being heard and voicing exactly how you feel. Time only goes forward and we can never return to the past to correct anything. If we do not speak up now regardless of how big or small the issue is we will only have regrets to live with.

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